Redo
You know that little button at the top of your web screen that allows you to reload the page if an error occurs?
We need one of those for life occurances. That way we could push it to redo something we said or did. Or hell, redo an entire summer if need be...It would fit nicely in our bellybuttons. Just reach down after one of those awkward silences where everyone in the room is looking at you and thinking "what the hell?" after something stupid you said at a party, and press it. Automatically taking you to the past, seconds before you said what you did, so you can just SHUT THE HELL UP and stick your foot in your mouth. Or perhaps go back and relive something completely wonderful, and emotion you felt that you wished you could feel over and over again, or stop yourself from feeling.
I want a redo.
I dont think a normal person should have to bear quite that much. Too many bad decisions, mistakes, burdens, funerals, lonliness, and work for one summer. I'm tired of pretending to be okay. I always have to be the strong one, do it all alone. I have to always be the listener. Why can't I be the talker? Why must I always have to sit and listen to everyone else? No one listens to me, except for the few people that read this, and my cousin that happens to be the only person in this world that is a better listener than I am. I guess I'm good at that...being quiet and hearing. Its is rather comforting doing something you are good at, and helping another at the same time. But, perhaps its more that I'm bad at talking. Ha! Yes, I'm afraid thats it. As I read back a bit, I dont think any of this made a lick of sense. I feel cold.
I quit. Can I quit?
Maybe theres a button for that somewhere....
We need one of those for life occurances. That way we could push it to redo something we said or did. Or hell, redo an entire summer if need be...It would fit nicely in our bellybuttons. Just reach down after one of those awkward silences where everyone in the room is looking at you and thinking "what the hell?" after something stupid you said at a party, and press it. Automatically taking you to the past, seconds before you said what you did, so you can just SHUT THE HELL UP and stick your foot in your mouth. Or perhaps go back and relive something completely wonderful, and emotion you felt that you wished you could feel over and over again, or stop yourself from feeling.
I want a redo.
I dont think a normal person should have to bear quite that much. Too many bad decisions, mistakes, burdens, funerals, lonliness, and work for one summer. I'm tired of pretending to be okay. I always have to be the strong one, do it all alone. I have to always be the listener. Why can't I be the talker? Why must I always have to sit and listen to everyone else? No one listens to me, except for the few people that read this, and my cousin that happens to be the only person in this world that is a better listener than I am. I guess I'm good at that...being quiet and hearing. Its is rather comforting doing something you are good at, and helping another at the same time. But, perhaps its more that I'm bad at talking. Ha! Yes, I'm afraid thats it. As I read back a bit, I dont think any of this made a lick of sense. I feel cold.
I quit. Can I quit?
Maybe theres a button for that somewhere....
posted by Mel @ 9:44 AM
7 Comments:
At 3:18 PM ,
Anonymous said...
It's funny how life works sometimes isn't it? It is basically marked by the highs and the lows. You only really remember the best times and the worst times of your life. You never really remember just the everyday things. I kind of think of it as a giant scale with the good times and the bad times as balances for it. Once the "bad" side starts to get heavier we do start to wish more and more for that "redo" button.
There have been numerous times where I'm surround by friends and I'll speak up and say something that is totally out of left-field, and then Vvrrrpppp(record screeching to a stop), everything is dead silent with everyone looking square at me and I start to panic. I think we all wish we could have a redo here. It is a short instance that can immediately be fixed right then and there, and there is no harm done.
However, looking at the long term redo. If that scale has also been heavier on the "bad" side for a long time, it is not quite as easy a decision to push that redo button I think. There are plenty of things that I have done school-wise, family-wise, and personally that I am not proud of and probably never will be. I sometime wish that I could go back and start all over, see how things would have gone had I chosen another route. But, if I did go back, wouldn't that mean I'd be giving up on all the good things that I experienced as well? Would it be worth giving up? Who is to say that by going back, I would be guaranteed that I would still experience all the good things I did? Would I be guaranteed that things would even change? I'm not so sure sometimes, and it is just another funny way that life works. Do you still want that redo? If you did, what would you want to change?
I think we are both better listeners than talkers. That is just the way we are. We listen to others, casually drop in our two cents here and there and that is about it. We don't too often seek out others to talk to when something is bothering us, we just try to deal with it ourselves. We consider ourselves strong-willed and are able to pull ourselves through with little or no help from others. It is much easier for us both to pretend to be okay, when things actually aren't.
However, over a long period of time of trying to get through things on our own, it becomes too heavy for us to carry anymore and we will eventually break down. We are so self-convinced that we are strong enough, but that is our biggest downfall, not recognizing that we in fact need help from others. We need people to talk to from time to time. We need that human contact and emotion to be there to help us all, because without it we become hardened and cold, like you said. That is no way to go through life, and you know it.
So, as you read this, realize that you don't always have to be the strong one, nor should you be expected to be it all the time. People shouldn't have to bear that type of a burden. You don't have to go it alone. People do listen to you, and you are important to a lot of people in this world. You have people that care for you and care about you. I certainly hope you don't quit, because quitting wouldn't just affect you, you'd be quitting on everyone that cares about you. All the times that you've sat and listened to others, talked to them, been there for them, would mean nothing anymore. So please, don't quit being who you are.
Sorry for the long post, but I just had a lot running through my mind from what you said in yours. I just hope things are going better now. I sent you a facebook message. You should check it out when you get a chance. Talk to you soon.
~Greenleaf
At 3:32 PM ,
Anonymous said...
I think that maybe you're starting to see what I was trying to tell you the last time you were here. I used to think and feel a lot like you do. It's not something you can just change overnight, it takes time and effort. I know that you're going to get through all of this; you're too strong and too good of a person not to. You know that I am ALWAYS here for you, all you have to do is call.
At 11:12 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Sorry I had to cut it short when I talked to you on-line last night. I really wanted to talk more, but my friends were harassing me to come to the poker table. I really do wish so many good things for you, and that each and everyday is a better one for you. If you do come down to Norman on Tuesday, you are more than welcome to stay the night here! It would be great to see you again and spend time with you, especially since I'm not sure how often I'll see you. Miss ya tons and I'll talk to you soon.
~Greenleaf
At 8:39 AM ,
Anonymous said...
"Or hell, redo an entire summer if need be..."
I thought you enjoyed yourself this summer.
"I dont think a normal person should have to bear quite that much. Too many bad decisions, mistakes, burdens, funerals, lonliness, and work for one summer."
I am sorry, I should never have asked you to come to the funeral. You didn't have to come.
Please don't feel like you have to do anything you don't want to do. aka Oct. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. They can find someone else.
"No one listens to me, except for the few people that read this, and my cousin that happens to be the only person in this world that is a better listener than I am."
That makes me sad. I thought I listened to you quite well. I feel like I have failed as a friend. :(
At 7:55 PM ,
Mel said...
why do people insist on taking everything i say so personally? all it makes me want to do is not express myself even more! 1.)no, you are not a bad friend, and 2.)i would jump in front of a speeding car for you, so do not say that you made me or even needed to ask me to go to the funeral. dont misconstrue my words.
At 12:18 AM ,
Anonymous said...
wow, ok melody sorry. sorry i am being a caring friend. and don't blame me or make me feel guilty about you not expressing your feelings. that is an issue that is yours and yours alone.
At 4:39 AM ,
Anonymous said...
Perhaps people take a lot of things personally because you talk about a lot of personal, sensitive issues on this blog. I mean it is your blog and you have every right to talk about whatever you want to. And I know you never single anyone out intentionally on here. Don't ever let anything hinder you from expressing yourself whatsoever.
You should never have to hide your feelings or thoughts about anything, but keeping them to yourself is a personal choice that you are free to make as well. If you don't express your feeling, thoughts and emotions, well that would almost make you robotic then, wouldn't it? You certainly are not that, so go ahead and express yourself.
~Greenleaf
P.S. Another Facebook message has been sent your way. Check it out whenever you can. Talk to ya soon!
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