The sun came out...

This morning I awoke to another cloudy day. The earth really needed these past few days rain. I could almost hear it sigh with relief. The grass when I first came home was this burnt amber color. Now its bright and green, my favorite color! Is that a sign? Maybe so.

My father had a half day today. So, around 11 he came home. The rain started to clear about that time and he disappeared inside the barn, as usual. Most likely fixing something broken, I assume. So, curiousity got the best of me and I moseyed on out to see what he was doing. Sure enough, he was changing the oil in the lawnmower. He decided, that while the grass might be still soggy, it was the coolest time to mow and it was smart to get it over with. So, while he mowed, I picked up branches and raked, and round-uped the edge of the property. When we were done, I brought him a glass of ice water. We stood there on the porch, silent, looking at our golf course-beautiful lawn, drinking ice water. All you could hear was the cicadas, and it was extremely humid.... and...... it was perfect.

Cleansing

Yesterday there was this storm. Not the type with lightning and thunder, but a wind storm. Now growing up with a father that was somewhat in touch with his Native American roots, I remember him telling me once that a wind storm is an omen. I liked thinking that there was an unseen natural force taking hand, but also being raised Baptist, there was a difficulty in bringing the two spiritualities together. I always dismissed the things my father said about eagles, owls, and mist, and I know my friends laughed at my antics about the moon cycles influencing mood. But this wind storm stirred me up. It’s like I literally could feel the winds of change.

Lately I’ve been going down this destructive path. My friends have all been worried about me, and I’ve all but alienated every one of them. You see I have this problem with being a little….ahem….stubborn. I’ve always felt that I couldn’t respect myself if I had to receive help from someone, when I know I can achieve something alone, even if it does almost kill me getting there. But since last night, I feel suddenly very different.

I couldn’t sleep. I felt so restless. The soft tapping of the summer rain on the window next to my bed, was almost like someone trying to awaken me with a subtle urgency. As soon as I saw the tiniest light through the blinds, the sleepiness couldn’t keep its hold on me. It was barely past dawn and I walked out the back door. The rain was still coming down steadily, and it was cool and the wind silent and absent. I stepped off of the porch barefoot, and in my pajamas. I walked about half the way to the creek, and sat down in the soggy grass.

My backyard had always been a haven. Nature has its way of making an impression, even on the unimpressionable. As I sat outside in the rain, I’m sure I was quite a sight. One might even consider it a little eccentric. Even as I looked to my side, the horses across the property fence stared at me quizzically. It was all quite comical. But, in my perspective, I just humbled myself before god and nature, and started anew.

It’s amazing what a little wind storm can accomplish.

After being told that my parents -within the next year or so- intend to sell off this property that I used to love, and eventually came to hate, I started to admire it once again. It is really quite symbolic of my growth into a woman. One of the trees I used to easily reach and climb as a child, now stood before me completely out of my reach of arm. It was tall, strong, and a little worn, but none for wear. The marks I had carved, I could barely make out as anything more than just a couple of gaps in the bark. The path that used to lead to the pond looked nothing more than some stones pressed into the dirt and overgrown with vines.





As I was walking back towards the house, I also noticed something quite out of place. When I got nearer I recognized it as a child’s kite. It must have been blown its way into my backyard during the wind storm yesterday. Considering I don’t know of any children living in this neck of the woods it kind of made me wonder how far it traveled. It’s a neat thought, though also kind of sad. Some child is out there wondering where their kite went to, and I’m wondering where it came from.

Redo

You know that little button at the top of your web screen that allows you to reload the page if an error occurs?


We need one of those for life occurances. That way we could push it to redo something we said or did. Or hell, redo an entire summer if need be...It would fit nicely in our bellybuttons. Just reach down after one of those awkward silences where everyone in the room is looking at you and thinking "what the hell?" after something stupid you said at a party, and press it. Automatically taking you to the past, seconds before you said what you did, so you can just SHUT THE HELL UP and stick your foot in your mouth. Or perhaps go back and relive something completely wonderful, and emotion you felt that you wished you could feel over and over again, or stop yourself from feeling.

I want a redo.

I dont think a normal person should have to bear quite that much. Too many bad decisions, mistakes, burdens, funerals, lonliness, and work for one summer. I'm tired of pretending to be okay. I always have to be the strong one, do it all alone. I have to always be the listener. Why can't I be the talker? Why must I always have to sit and listen to everyone else? No one listens to me, except for the few people that read this, and my cousin that happens to be the only person in this world that is a better listener than I am. I guess I'm good at that...being quiet and hearing. Its is rather comforting doing something you are good at, and helping another at the same time. But, perhaps its more that I'm bad at talking. Ha! Yes, I'm afraid thats it. As I read back a bit, I dont think any of this made a lick of sense. I feel cold.

I quit. Can I quit?

Maybe theres a button for that somewhere....