Hmmm....

So, im unhappy with my format. I changed it again.
Don't continue reading. Just letting off steam.

I've been very snappy with people lately. I'm usually very cautious about what I say to others, but recently certain things have been really hitting me hard. Why should I painstakingly moniter everything I say to others, when they dont give a shit about what they say to me or the people around me? I usually just take the abuse, and let it roll of my shoulders, sometimes even apologize to THEM FOR INVOKING THE COMMENT. But recently I have been sticking up for myself. I dont know if its selfish or just plain decent of me to finally be doing this.

I think its because of sleep. Or lack thereof. I seem to never be able to sleep when I need it, but fall asleep in the middle of doing something. Its really frustrating. When I do fall asleep, I have really disturbing dreams. Not full-fledged nightmares, but similar. I have tracked them to a source. My job over the summer. Its really tainted my perception of the world....only seeing the worst parts of it for three full months. I feel my job was unfinished. Those kids faces haunt me during the day and night. This enormous burden on my shoulders, that I can't share with anyone, and I can't overcome. I dont think it is something you just forget about. There are certain triggers that get me thinking about the past too... Its like a time-bomb suddenly going off im my mind and heart. On top of that, something that I depended on for support just quietly got up and walked away. You know men don't just leave me in the general sense, but literally leave my life altogether. Actually moving away. Out of town, out of the state, heck...even out of the the country. How depressing is that?

Don't worry, tomorrow I will be myself again. Slow to anger, and reserved..."mellow".... as they call me.